distraction

so, my grandma and last surviving grandparent passed away yesterday afternoon.  i’m twisted with emotion; not my own sadness over personal loss, but the heartbreaking situation of a miserable woman who managed to alienate her family and lay sick and all alone before dying in those same circumstances.  could i have made this sad woman happy?  could i have brought joy to a woman who had nothing left to live for?  as granddaughter, yet daughter of the son who felt nothing but anger towards his mother, what is/was my position?  it was a relationship of holiday cash and phone calls,  excited childhood visits because of her proximity to  Disney World.  but now i wonder, did i ignore my responsibility to a once adored family member or would my attention have betrayed my father?  everyone in my family has something to say on the issue, and none of those words are positive.  maybe it was this energy that perpetuated my ignorance, told me it wasn’t my battle, concern, problem?  regardless of anyone else’s feelings, my grandmother is dead, and my overwhelming reaction is guilt.

so to take my/your mind off anything that might be bothering you today, watch this:

i ❤ natalie portman.

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One response to “distraction

  1. I’m so sorry, C.L. There’s no easy way to deal with grief, other than the passing of time. And taking care of yourself. And drinking lots of whiskey. Wait…

    Seriously, though, I think it’s completely normal to react to tragedy with feelings of guilt. Could we have done something different? Could we have changed the final outcome? But in the end, it’s just life’s randomness and weirdness that makes things happen arbitrarily, and there’s no culpability on your part.

    Can’t wait for that tea date.

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